Friday, November 11, 2005

Errrrrrotica

Welll... having left CHANDIGARH (sad, sad) we went to khajuraho, place of the famous temples (Temples? in India? Surely not...) It's impossible to get to, and involves tedious overland bus journeys in addition to the usual trains etc. It's famous for it's erotic temple sculpture, which must be why there were so many brits there. But very few people know the real story of how the temples came into being...

Deep in the Central Deccan, a long long time ago, a random famous indian king-type guy decided to spend all his money on building temples. I guess they didn't have ebay in those days. Anyway, what he did with his money is his business... but he built 80 something big temples in the middle of Madhya Pradesh (although why he didn't put them nearer a railway station remains an absolute mystery to me). So, he got people to build these temples. And he looked at his work when it was completed, and was much pleased, and there was much rejoicing for miles around. And that was the end of the first day.
On the second day, he looked again at his creations, and said 'Lo, I'm not satisfied, this needs a bit of detail, or no one will come' so he commissioned some sculptors to come and sculpt, chisellers to come and chisel, and masons to come and mason, and together they began to decorate the temples with sculptures better than any seen in the land before. And he looked at his work when it was completed, and was much pleased again, and there was much more rejoicing for miles around, and quite a bit of alcohol consumption too. And that was the end of the second day.
ON the third day, he looked again at his creations, and said 'Lo, I'm still not satisfied. This needs a bit of spice, or they will never put it in the Lonely Planet' so he again called the sculptors to come and sculpt, chisellers to come and chisel, and masons to come and mason, and together they sat and thought what to add to the temples. They were all a bit hungover from the previous two nights' much rejoicing, and still had a lot of narcotics in their blood, and seemed to have flashing visions of 2 nights of an enormous amount of incredibly dirty sex. "Lo,' they said (because this was what they'd heard the King say, and they assumed it was the latest fly slang from the US of A, and thought it sounded cool), lets fill up these walls with scenes of our amazing sex lives, and this is what they did. Scenes were evoked of all sorts of rituals, positions, combinations and gravity defying sex acts. One even remembered he and his best mate scoring with a horse, so on that went too. And the king looked at his work when it was completed, and was much pleased again, and there was even more rejoicing for miles around, till the drug suppliers tipped off the policemen for baksheesh, and the whole town's male population got arrested and thrown into jail. And that was the end of the third day.
On the fourth day, the lady folk went to look at the temples. 'Bloody hell', they said (for they weren't much interested in sounding cool, finding such aspirations beneath them), and they all burst out laughing. 'If CHarlie thinks he can get into that position with that lardy belly of his, he's mad', shreiked one. ''Arry thinks he can get it going with three girls at once? As if!' bellowed another. 'And now they're all in prison! Serves them right', and they all rolled off laughing into the distance. Only the wife of the man with the horse stayed quiet. She didn't want her husband's more eclectic tastes to be known as fact. And so the king looked at the work and said 'bugger it, I'm off to war with the Muslims'. And so the temples were left to the jungles, and gradually disappeared from view, until one day the British arrived, burning down the forests in their wake, as was their wont, and discovered the temples, soon after launching them as a major tourist destination to rival Butlins, with special themed adult weekends to boot. And it became a great success, and has been ever since.

And that, my dears, is the real story of Khajuraho.

4 Comments:

Blogger Aleksey said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4:47 AM  
Blogger kyoush said...

Bugger...
I actually thought there would be an interesting comment, especially after that extremely entertaining... oops i mean educating discourse on the story of Khajuraho.

Hey Nick, good job dude. Keep it up.

Looking forward to reading much more...
**thumbs up**

9:53 PM  
Blogger salvador said...

Shit!!! What happened to that sexxxy and Erotic India???, I think we were there too late, but I hope things will get better for the Indian Ppl, They have the right to have fun too!!!

Queen Nick, when r u coming back to england???

9:32 AM  
Blogger Nick said...

King salvador:
Queen nick is returning to england on 16th december.

4:15 AM  

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